Lately…

I am very uninspired lately. So uninspired I can’t even write a cover letter. Why am I writing a cover letter? For future reference. I don’t even know what the future holds. I don’t even know what I want right now, but somehow I feel like I’m obliged to write a cover letter. Haha. I don’t know. I really don’t. And as much as I don’t want to be the person who says “I don’t know” somehow it can’t be helped. I can’t be helped. Ugh!!

So yeah, I am uninspired. Or maybe I’m just lazy. I don’t know but for sure, I am running very low on motivation! I mean, how do people write? How did I survive four years in college studying journalism? Just how?

I’ve tried looking up for writing challenges but my creative juices are nowhere near me.

Am I a millenial yet?

It seemed like the first time…

I remember those times when I was around eight or nine years old. We lived in Baguio City and whenever friends or relatives came we would give them a tour around the city. The route was usually from Mine’s View we would go to the Teacher’s Camp then go through Baguio Country Club through Camp John Hay and then to the Philippine Military Academy (PMA).

Now, my parents have been going to the PMA since the 80’s because they had friends who worked there but we didn’t really know cadets or officers. We didn’t even know much about the PMA until summer 2014.

I was 18 and this very normal college student who was wasting her summer vacation like most kids do: eating, sleeping, watching TV/movies, lounging. Ya know, the works. I clearly remember that afternoon I was having my well deserved afternoon nap when my phone rang. It was my mom. She was in her panicky voice when I picked up. Apparently, she became a foster parent to two third class cadets from the PMA class  2017, SALAKNIB.

She was panicky because apparently there was a dinner that evening and that I needed to prepare and that I also needed a friend to come along with me. That dinner turned out to be a hop, which is basically a ball of some sort. There was dinner and dancing.

So I got to know these foster brothers and we exchanged our stories about PMA. My memories of it always raining when we went there and picking up empty bullet shells at their firing range.

Fast forward to March 12, 2017. It was their graduation day. My mom and I took the bus the day before. It was shortly an hour after I picked her up from the airport as she had to come all the way from Puerto Princesa, I was from the Salcedo Market in Makati City.

The security was tight. The Presidential Security Group, no less, did the inspections. The cameras had to go through a test shot to make sure that no flashes were turned on.

The turnover ceremony was weird but also normal, as we have watched the silent drill a few times before. I live streamed the class 2016’s graduation the year before. And after the turnover ceremony, it seemed like a normal university graduation, or any commencement exercise for that matter. There was the prayer, the valedictory speech, and the commencement speech which was given by the President of the Republic of the Philippines H.E. Rodrigo Roa Duterte, and the alma mater song, the taking of oaths to the alumni association. But I think what made this commencement exercises different from the civies graduation is that the guests who are present are from the highest offices in the country, it was live streamed so any one can watch it from any part of the world, the graduates were under the sun(!) which resulted to a guhit, and the pass and review. And the graduates were called by their ranking. I was so impatient as my foster brother was called in the last quarter of the graduates. But nonetheless congratulations to him. And the last person to be called is what they call a goat, who received a lot of money haha that’s another tradition, and she got a standing ovation. Also, seats were very hard to come by!

Even though we’ve been to the PMA many times before, the 2017 graduation was the first ceremony we’ve attended. We’ve not yet attended the recognition, incorporation, and whatever else ceremonies they have. And it was also the first time in a very long time that the weather was good. It’s the same sun as any part of this Earth, but it felt like the good sun. And the breeze was nice too!

“Tita, puntahan niyo rin ako ha,” said the other foster brother, who was turned back and joined the 2018 class. “Saan?” my mom asked thinking that he meant is hometown in Bicol. “Sa graduation,” he said confidently. My mom and I laughed it off, because we swore that this 2017 graduation was the first and last graduation we’ll attend as it was such a hassle going through so much travelling and protocols but because her son asked for a favour we couldn’t decline, I’ll see you Class 2018 ALAB-TALA next year!

Colors.

A post shared by Dorcas (@foureyeddorc) on

 

New Year’s Resolutions

Hi, dear reader! I have decided to write my new year’s resolutions just very recently. It’s not too late anyway as we’re only a week into 2017. Haha

Anyways, my new year’s resolutions are (in no particular order):

  • be regular with my Quiet Time
  • read my Bible everyday
  • fill all the pages of my Starbucks planner, with the “Notes” dedicated to what I’ve learned from my devotional book Women in the Bible
  • write again
  • write more
  • read again
  • read more
  • lose weight (20 lbs (or more!) this year
  • run regularly, at least 6KM per week (Hi, Legaspi Active Park!)
  • eat healthy (looking at meal plans right now, recommendations are more than welcome!)
  • more adventures, e.g. beaches and mountains (looking at going back to Pangasinan, La Union, and the Ilocos Region)
  • run a marathon (goal is 21KM haha okay fine 10KM if I’m being realistic)

Oh and manage my finances well!

I shall also do a writing challenge or two this year, so you can look forward to that. Or not! Haha

New Year Musings

Hi, dear reader! Happy new year.

*Insert “I welcome the new year with a grateful heart and ready to leave behind what was 2016” haha*

So…the first week of 2017 just finished and it was rather productive. I got to go back to Palawan over the long weekend (30 December 2016 until 3 January 2017). I GOT REGULARISED (THANK YOU, LORD!) that’s how I got the extra holiday which was the 3rd haha. My flight back to Manila was very delayed though, we were supposed to arrive by 8PM but we arrived at 10:20PM (!) which I think was okay because it worked in my favour that there was no traffic at all! And cheap Grab. Okay, it was not okay because there were other people in that flight and that was a very selfish thought I just wrote.

As I am writing this, what one of our interns said to me in the afternoon echoes in my head “You should not stop living your life.” the thing is: I don’t really have friends outside of work or this dorm. And I was not able to write (write like the journalism kind of write) last year. Maybe I did get to write but it wasn’t the kind of write that I wanted, but that’s okay my time will come. I should be fine.

This year, I want to make things count. I don’t want to be a receptionist for an entire year this year. I want to be promoted. I want to do more than just answering calls and serving refreshments for guests. I want to write again. I want to go out there. ADVENTURE AWAITS ME and I know that. I want to answer the call of adventure.

Don’t get me wrong being a receptionist is not an easy task but I’m not good at it. I’m not complaining but it is what I think.

I want to climb Mt. Pulag again. I want to go surfing again. And this time I’d be better at those things. I want to go to Cagayan de Oro and Bukidnon and Camiguin! I want to see more of Mindanao more than the city that was Davao. I want to go to Nagtabon beach and to the White Castle Falls in Puerto Princesa City, this time I’m bringing friends with me. I also want to go to El Nido to which I haven’t been in over a decade!

I want to write again. I want my brain to function again. I want to do so many things again not because those were comfortable but because those were the things that made me feel like I’ve lived!

Over the holidays, I received notebooks and journals. And maybe that’s my queue to write again. I could start with one-liners and then maybe some writing challenges along the way.

I just have to start. And then start over and over and over again.

Adulting 101

This year has been the year when I began “adulting”. I know, such a millenial term, but it is what it is.

This year I took up two internships, was able to graduate from university with honors, got a job offer from one of the companies where I took my internship, went to new places, got to expand my network, and tried to re-connect with Jesus.

It’s been a roller coaster ride. There were ups and there were downs. I cried a lot of tears for sure. And had an equal amount of laughs. And I can’t believe that this year is about to come to an end.

I’m gonna have to be honest here, I wasn’t regularized after 6 months at my job but my probationary period was extended for three months. But on my 7th month, I was re-evaluated and improvements were seen so I’m hopeful that I will be regularized so I can enjoy the benefits of a full time employee.

So, I am a receptionist and administrative assistant. That is quite hard to admit, honestly. Because people have expectations from me. My friends and classmates think that I’m a researcher. I’m not. This is not a high paying job. In fact, I am underpaid.  I answer so many calls in a day that I don’t want to talk over the phone with my mom, and I serve coffee and water so much more than I can drink in a month.

So what am I saying? I don’t even know. I just want to let things out. Some things at least.

Okay, maybe I know what I want I just don’t know where to start.

I remember during my job interview last summer, I said that I want to do research and to write because those are the things that I want to do. But the available position was that of the receptionist/administrative assistant. I was told that “Well, at least you have your foot in.” A week into my job, someone came in for the advocacy research associate position that I was initially offered. My heart broke and then I thought maybe I just need to give this position a few months and I’ll take it from there. Few months in, nada. And on my 5th month, the worst happened.I was not regularized. Someone gave me a low rating. The recommendation was to extend my probationary period for 3 months. So I went on to two job interviews. My birthday just passed then. And I as looking for another job. The uncertainty, the anxiety, it was all too much for me. It was depressing, even just thinking about it now.

I don’t look down on my fellow receptionists/administrative assistants. It’s just that I want to do something else. And that something else has got to do with writing and research but with me answering calls and serving coffee, it’s just so hard to do.

And believe me, I’ve tried. But my offer was turned down and that disheartened me. I didn’t offer to help the next time.

I am not telling this to my bosses because I wouldn’t want them to see me as someone who is just complaining and not being a solutions person. Because in reality, no one cares. Just do your job and do it well.

It’s been almost a year [including my internship] with this company and I have not been so disappointed in myself. I have not been so disheartened before as much as now.

Tuesday Rant

I can’t stop crying right now. And I have a few reasons why I think I’m crying I just can’t put my finger on it.

 

First, there’s the shortage of participants for Thursday’s event. We’ve been selling this event for weeks now and we’re not yet even half of the participants we’re expecting.

Second, there was my mom who said that I said yes to her when she asked me to run papers. I had to take a half-day leave from the office just so I could run the papers but when I got to the office where the papers were supposed to be submitted, the lady in-charge of processing them was just about to leave. So in my disappointment I broke down and I cried in there with people watching. I had my heavy fucking laptop in my backpack among other things running up and down the stairs just so I could finish the papers but I didn’t. Worst part: I’m a receptionist and the intern that I asked to relieve me from my post was “kicked out” because she didn’t know what she was doing despite my instructions before I left the office. Also I had a late lunch that day. A 3PM lunch to be exact at fucking McDonald’s!

Third, I was so tired, my bag was so fucking heavy, my legs hurt, I was sweating like a pig, and there my mom was on the phone telling me that I didn’t tell her that I had an event on Thursday when in fact she knew that I had an event on Thursday she just wanted the “yes I’m gonna go there and process the papers” to come from me.

When I broke down at the office where the papers were to be submitted and processed, I wasn’t even given fucking comfort. Not even a drop of water!!

 

Fucking hell!! I hate my life.

I hate being a receptionist. I hate answering the phone every time it rings. In fact, I’ve come to hate it so much I don’t even call people anymore. I don’t want to talk anyone or anything anymore!  I hate that I’m so selfless that I take all the blame that I can take. I hate that I’m so helpless. I don’t have a social life outside of the office. Hell, I don’t even have a social life inside the office.

I just want all these to end. I really do. Or my life to end, really.

3-minute post

It’s been 3 months since I graduated from college and started working in a company where I had my internship.

It was a rough start, the friends I made during internship had to go back to their schools because we had different schedules for internship. And GOSH!! I miss writing.

I work as a receptionist/administrative assistant and truthfully, I don’t use the term “receptionist” as much. I think that “administrative assistant” sound better be it fancy. But it’s not.

You answer calls all day. You serve refreshments. You put up with whatever and whoever is in front of you. Some days I hate my job, some days I love it. And it’s this feeling of mediocrity that I hate.

I hate not having to write. I studied journalism for phuck’s sake! And I graduated cum laude.